When Someone You Love Is Dying

James Avery | posted April 07, 2009 |

With my years of experience working with hospice patients and families, I understand how difficult it is when someone you love is dying. You are likely experiencing many different emotions, and certain things that used to be simple may now seem complicated. During this time, it is important to nurture your relationship with your loved one as well as yourself. Below are some helpful steps to consider.

Acknowledge and Share Your Feelings. It is important to acknowledge your own feelings and then share them with your loved one. Trying to protect your loved one from the reality of the situation can create a wall separating you both from meaningful and precious conversations. This takes courage. If spoken feelings are difficult, start by saying “I know this won’t be easy for either of us…” Sharing feelings will leave you with precious memories and fewer regrets. Trust me.

Be in the Moment. Cherish the time that is left and try to be fully present in it. “Fully present” means you are listening, enjoying and treasuring every moment.

Concentrate on Your Loved One’s Wishes. It has been my experience that hospice patients are often reluctant to express their wishes. Now is the time to encourage your loved one to say what they want to say and do what they want to do. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring—sometimes today is as good as it is going to get.

Dwell on Good Memories. Every relationship has its good memories and its not-so-good memories—we all carry regrets. Dwell on the good times. Let go of those things you can’t change, and try to fix things that can be fixed. Ask for and give forgiveness.

Eliminate Unhealthy Behaviors. One of the unhealthiest behaviors is to try to do everything on your own. Being a caregiver can be physically, emotionally and spiritually draining. It is a stressful undertaking. Having someone come in for a few hours can give you the time away you need to do chores or get some time for yourself. Be realistic: one day the time may come when you will be no longer be able to care for your loved one.

Final Plans. Starting a conversation about final wishes can be difficult, but it is necessary. Start your conversation with, “I know this is a hard subject to talk about, but I want to honor your wishes…” Here are some questions you need to ask: “Where do you want to spend your last days?” “Do you want to remain at home?” “Are our wills in order?” “Are there any financial affairs that need to be settled?” “What funeral and burial plans do you prefer?”

Goodbye. It is important to say goodbye. Sometimes this is done with words, and other times it is expressed by actions. Quiet times and simple gestures of affection can reflect the uniqueness of the moment and your love and concern. Once again, putting your feelings into words may be painful and tearful, but it can help your loved one say what needs to be said. This can provide closure and peace.
Your AseraCare Hospice team is always ready to help you during this challenging time—please don’t hesitate to ask your loved one’s physician.